Forgiveness Isn’t Reconciliation
What We Get Wrong About Letting Go
Forgiveness is one of those buzz words that gets thrown around a lot in self-help, spirituality, and even in everyday conversations. “Just forgive and move on,” people say, as if it were that easy. But here’s the problem: forgiveness is often misunderstood. Too many of us think forgiveness means inviting someone back into our lives, excusing harmful behaviour, or forcing ourselves into premature “peace.” But the truth is: that is not forgiveness. That is reconciliation. And they are two very different things.
So what is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is an internal process. It’s about releasing the emotional hold that someone’s actions have over you. It’s about releasing your nervous system from the constant loop of anger, resentment, or pain so you can reclaim your peace. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the other person. It doesn’t require an apology, and it doesn’t require a conversation.
Forgiveness is saying: I choose not to carry this wound around in my body anymore.
It’s nervous system regulation: calming the fight-or-flight response triggered by the memory of harm.
It’s choosing freedom over bitterness.
How does this compare to Reconciliation?
Reconciliation is completely different. It’s relational. It requires two (or more) people, a foundation of trust, and usually some form of accountability. It involves boundaries, actions, and sometimes deep repair. Reconciliation says: We are choosing to rebuild a relationship. And that cannot (and should not) happen in every situation.
Where forgiveness is internal and personal, reconciliation is external and conditional. And this choice should always be yours in the first place.
The Problem With Mixing Them Up
When people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation, a few damaging things happen:
You may feel pressured to keep unsafe people in your life.
Boundaries get blurred, and you re-enter relationships that harm you.
Forgiveness becomes performative. Something that is done for appearances rather than true healing.
- It can lead to gaslighting, making you believe that you haven’t truly forgiven someone without letting them back into your life
This confusion keeps many people stuck, because they think “I can’t forgive them” really means “I can’t imagine letting them back in.”
Forgiveness Without Reconciliation
You can forgive someone and never speak to them again.
You can forgive and still hold strong boundaries.
You can forgive while deciding the safest, healthiest choice is no relationship at all.
Forgiveness is for your (emotional) freedom. Reconciliation is optional, and sometimes impossible. And that is okay!
Why Forgiveness Matters for Personal Growth
Here’s the part that often gets overlooked: forgiveness isn’t just a “nice” thing to do. It’s a powerful tool for personal growth. Carrying resentment is like carrying a heavy backpack. You can keep going, but it slows you down and drains your energy. By practicing forgiveness, you’re lightening your load so you can focus on building, creating, and moving forward.
Forgiveness helps you to:
Build resilience: It strengthens your capacity to navigate challenges without being defined by them.
Break unhealthy patterns: When you release old wounds, you’re less likely to repeat them in new situations.
Free up mental energy: Energy spent replaying old hurts can instead be invested in your goals and passions.
Support your health: Chronic resentment keeps your nervous system in stress mode, which can lead to anxiety, poor sleep, and even disordered eating.
This is where forgiveness connects also connects to emotional eating. Often, eating becomes a coping mechanism for unprocessed pain, I can tell from experience. Food feels safe when emotions feel unsafe. But if you can address the underlying emotional weight by forgiving, releasing, and soothing your nervous system, the need to numb with food starts to lose its grip.
To overcome my emotional eating issues, I had to forgive a lot of people, like my nanny or old classmates who bullied me. Am I in touch with them? No.
Do I want anyone of them back in my life? Also no.
But I have been able to make my peace with it. I’m not triggered anymore when I think of them. I don’t feel as insecure as I used to be when I’m out in public meeting new people.
Forgiveness had a much bigger impact in my life than I ever expected. It not only help me get rid of the burden of the people I needed to forgive, but it also helped me to live life more lightly (literally) and unworried.
How to Practice Forgiveness in a Way That Works
Forgiveness isn’t a light switch you flip. It’s an ongoing practice. Something you embody and return to until the grip of resentment softens. Here are steps that make forgiveness real, not forced:
Acknowledge the hurt: Don’t bypass your pain. Suppressing anger or grief only keeps it alive. Name what happened and how it affected you.
Separate the act from your identity: Remind yourself: What they did was about them, not about my worth. This stops the wound from defining you.
Regulate your nervous system: Forgiveness is easier when your body feels safe. Practices like breath work, shaking, walking, or somatic release help reduce the stored tension tied to the memory.
Choose release, not approval: Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay. It means you’re choosing not to let it poison your system anymore.
Set boundaries: Real forgiveness includes deciding what kind of access (if any) this person has to you going forward.
Create a ritual of letting go: Journaling, burning a letter, or even saying out loud: I forgive you, and I free myself from this pain can create closure for your body and mind.
Forgiveness is active. It’s something you practice through both mindset and nervous system care, until the emotional charge lessens.
Next time you hear “just forgive,” pause and ask: Do they mean forgiveness, or reconciliation?
Because knowing the difference is powerful. Forgiveness allows you to release pain and reclaim peace. Reconciliation is only on the table if safety, trust, and mutual effort are present. You can choose one without the other. And in many cases, that choice is exactly what true healing looks like. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting; it means moving forward lighter, freer, and more grounded in yourself. And that’s where personal growth really begins.